“Forgiveness is a way of life, not an action. I just needed
a minute to remember that. My heart is only big enough for so much emotion… Why
waste valuable space with anger, hurt, resentment and pettiness?” - Me
Yesterday, while having a conversation with someone about
the ways I approach life, I realized that I’ve grown a lot in my thinking in
the past 6 months. Life has a way of throwing things at us, and we get to
decide what impact that will have on our trajectory.
One of the things I’ve come to realize about my lot in life
is that I’m here to serve the people I love in one very specific way. I get to
be the person who shows love, acceptance, forgiveness, patience and loyalty. It’s
not that I think I’m this amazing person or example. Not by any means. Rather,
I understand that people in general say and do very foolish things. Wonderful
people act in horrific ways, hurt the ones that love them most, and make purely
selfish decisions. Unfortunately, I’m
often the individual impacted by said actions. However, I’ve learned to treat
this as not a burden, but an opportunity.
One of the things very few people realize is how their
actions affect those around them. By and
large, most people are selfish and me-centric. While, yes, I realize there are
exceptions to the rule, I also know that these exceptions are few and far
between in the grand scheme of things. So,
it’s often the case that one doesn’t see the ramifications until long after the
fact. I have the luxury of getting to show people that unconditional love can
truly exist, and loyalty can be unyielding. To me, this is such a blessing.
I spent the larger portion of my life, from adolescence
forward, being a doormat. I allowed people to treat me poorly, and stayed loyal
long after most would have given up hope. There are countless who know, to this
day, I’ll be there in a millisecond should they ever need a thing. I have
always been this way. And, for a long
time, it was for unhealthy reasons – I wanted to be loved, accepted and needed.
So, being a doormat meant that I was always in one of those groups.
Today, I view my role as one of a different nature. I refuse to allow the behaviors which cause
me anguish to go unacknowledged. If you
hurt me, I will tell you so. If your actions impact me, I will make it known.
However, I now have the knowledge that my job isn’t to correct them, to point a
finger, to shame them, or to allow them.
My role is that of being loving, patient and kind. You don’t get to hurt me without my stating
that I’m hurt, but you also have more and more chances to do better. I see each
of my moments of anger, of pain, of heartache, as a chance to say “This is how
you made me feel” and then make sure the person knows that I am here, they are
loved, and that will never change.
Sometimes my forgiveness is immediate. Sometimes it takes a
few moments. Sometimes I actually have to tell the person that I’m hurting,
that I need time, but that eventually things will be okay. My conversation yesterday followed a venting
about something petty. It made me angry and hurt me. And I lashed out (not to the person, but rather about him.) After a few moments of that,
the ridiculous nature of my thoughts and actions hit me like a ton of bricks –
I was acting so silly, and letting something minor affect my mood. I remembered
that I’m in charge of my thoughts, I get to decide if I’m going to react as an
adult or as a child.
I choose to practice love. I choose to practice patience. I
choose to practice forgiveness. I choose to show compassion. I choose to be a
vessel of unconditional love.
I choose it.
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