Just to See You Smile

“You smile a lot.”

For some reason, these words have been ringing in my head for over a week. When I heard them, I wasn’t entirely sure what they meant.  That I was happy? That I smile at inappropriate times? That I use it as a mechanism? That I smile unknowingly? That I appear centered? I can’t shake the words, and the meaning behind them.

“This is good, right?” I keep thinking about it.  I guess I do smile a lot.

I’ve always known I use it as armor – I smile when someone asks a question I have no intention of answering, I smile when someone asks how I’m feeling and I don’t want to talk about it, and I smile when I’m putting on appearances.  I smile as indication that I’m following another person’s train of thought; I smile because I relate. I also think I’m a generally happy person, and I love to laugh.  I smile because I feel like it, and because something makes me happy.  I laugh a lot, and use sarcasm with a smirk on a regular basis, too. 

Yesterday, however, I discovered that I smile for reasons I hadn’t thought about before.  I smile when I’m uncomfortable… like, really uncomfortable.  Should you ask me a question about something deeply personal, there’s a very good chance that I’ll slap on a grin, and look away.  I think it’s embarrassment?  I’m not entirely sure.  But, I definitely do it.  It’s a defense mechanism, one I had never put any thought into.  Maybe frowning makes me feel exposed? Weak? I really don’t know.

I guess, for me, smiling is a way of connecting with people, without having to get personal.  I keep things pretty surface level with most people, I’m not big on sharing.  I smile to ward of the questions, to laugh through the “I’m so not going to share that with you”, to keep people engaged and yet at a distance.  My smiles aren’t disingenuous, they’re just… a cover.  I’m sure there is some deeply profound reason for it all. There’s certainly some sort of history which caused it, some grand design behind it on a subconscious level. I don’t know that I care to dig that deeply.  To me, it feels like one of those ticks which may not be entirely typical, but it’s not a bad thing to have someone notice.

Yeah, I guess I do. I smile a lot. I think I’m comfortable with that.